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I've been letting so many idiots off the hook, because I've been too lazy to bitch and complain about them in written form. Forewarning to all of you PTTAAFers the time has come and there's no more hiding. Here we go...
PTTAAF 9*
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING
41. One-Uppers
I'm not exactly sure to what terms other people use, but I'm guessing everyone knows at least one of these kinds of people. I call a person a one-upper if no matter what story or fact you may say in front of them, they have some kind of response that belittles your former statement. This is kinda difficult to explain so I will just include some REAL examples. Everything you're about to read I have not imagined up or have fabricated, these are statements living one-uppers have told me. *I'll now refer to "One uppers" as 1up and put their words in bold just to make sure there's no confusion. Also, I have changed all names and times to protect the privacy of whoever gives a shit.
REAL SIGHTINGS:
- Me: Oh, my goodness did you hear that Susan was struck by lightning?
- 1up: Oh, really? Well, the pain isn't as bad as you would think.
- Me: Pft, like you would know. Are you an expert in lightning pain or something?
- 1up: No, but I've been struck by lightning before.
- Me: What?!! No, way.
- 1up: Yeah, actually more than once.
- Me: Shut the hell up. You've been struck by lightning two times?
- 1up: I never said that.
- Me: What? You just said you've been struck by lightning more than once.
- 1up: Yeah, I have. Not twice, but three times.
- Me: You've been struck by lightning three times...In the same day?
- 1up: No, that's silly. It was three separate times.
- Me: That's UNbelievable.
- "I don't need a watch or an alarm. I some how have the ability to always wake up and arrive on time."
- "I was only part of the UT football team for one season; I was 2nd string after Ricky Williams.
- "I used to make well over six figures, but now I'm just stuck as a middle manager at Wal-Mart. I should have been a multimillionaire by now"
- "If I see an accident along the road I'm obligated to stop because I'm medically qualified to help because I've taken some community college nursing classes."
- "Your cat is pretty fat, but my friend has a cat that is over 50 pounds."
- "I'm such a klutz. I used to work at drive thru Starbucks and I fell through the take out window and into someone's car."
- "Luckily I used to be a male prostitute and the judge recognized me so he didn't suspend my license."
- "You've really never been in an orgy? I've been in a bed with eight other people at one time.*" *This is hard to believe because the guy who told me this is probably the stupidest and ugliest person I've ever met
- "I actually have passed the bar and have a medical license so I can practice both law and medicine, but I just really love being a waiter and I make more money serving."
- "No, this insulin isn't for diabetes...I actually have cancer."
- "My business is doing so well and I'm making so much money, that I don't even have to work. This job is just for fun."* *This is coming from a guy that uses a pre-smart flip phone and drives a car that is older than a 2001 and is not a classic.
What have you heard from one uppers? I'm very curious.
42. When people wear clothing that is too tight/ill fitting
Okay, I know that there are certain things that are supposed to be skin tight. i.e. scuba suits, spandex body suits for athletes, SPANX, etc. But, there is a difference between wearing something that is "skinny fit" and wearing something that looks like sausage casing. Here's a rule of thumb...if you wear something that you think fits and you do any kind of natural movement and something suddenly pops out...then I suggest you should go at least a size up. Furthermore, don't you think it's an obvious oxymoron that there is such thing as a skinny fit for plus sizes? Shouldn't a plus size skinny fit be I don't know....average? I think plus sizers would agree that the term is more fitting...pun definitely intended. I think the problem starts with the cashier or person the clothing originated from. I definitely know that I'm no size zero, but I do know how to shop for my intended size. I mean if you saw the star from Precious, Gabourey Sidibe and she wanted to try on a size small tank top...would you stop her? I wonder what cashiers think when a person purchases something that is obviously too small for them. There must be some kind of system to where you have to meet some kind of requirement to purchase clothing. In Japan you need proof of a parking spot to buy a car, why can't we have proof that a person will fit in a t-shirt? I know most likely this would be too difficult to gauge what actually "fits" a person, but maybe we could use some sort of rating system. A pseudo-American Idol voting system would suffice. I mean if Randy Jackson says, "I'm not feeling it dawg" then that should be an indication to get some new clothes.
43. When people expect more than just a free dessert for a birthday
This is one is dedicated to any person who has ever work at a restaurant. Having a so called birthday dinner is usually part of any birthday celebratory event. It doesn't matter to me where or what kind of place a person has their birthday, what does get to me is when people expect the employees of a restaurant to perform some sort of song and dance for their behalf. Getting a free drink or dessert is one thing, but why is the server of a birthday party obligated to sing for a stranger they care nothing about? Mind you there is a difference between places that are specifically designed for birthday parties; usually these places have some sort of birthday package. For an additional charge you get a cake along with some "fun" activities. In this case, I have no problem participating in a birthday celebration because it's part of this so called package. Usually at a restaurant however these packages are not to be found. Who on earth made it a rule for a restaurant to give two shits about the day a person came out of their mother's vagina? You can't go to any other place of business and ask them to give you something for free and then sing to you. I mean I've never tried, but I'm guessing they'll look at you like you're an imbecile. If that were the case I would go to every single store I could possibly go to in a span of 24 hours and demand my free shirts, watches, jewelry, etc. But, that indeed is not the case. If you want "Happy Birthday" to be sung to you, look at the group you came with. Don't drag your unfortunate server into the mix, because I'm telling you they absolutely hate it. 100% of servers die inside when you inform them that it's someone's birthday at the table. They are not excited and could care less. Also, you're not fooling anyone when you stalk a server into a corner and whisper it's your best friend's birthday. Everyone knows the reason you're there is for the free dessert and shitty ass song. And I know a lot of people like to use the restaurant employees' singing as a vessel of embarrassment toward the birthday girl/boy, but it's not their responsibility. There are so many things that people use servers for other than food orders and drink refills. Here are a few things we actually do mind doing, but do it anyway in chance for a better tip:
Please don't ask me to do these things for you-
- Give your phone number to another employee or table
- Throw away trash that you brought in from your car
- Watch your kids for you while you go home and get money to pay for your meal
- Take more than two pictures* *That's my limit
- Cut the corn off the cob for you
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Whew...let me take a breath before I start again, the blood is rushing to my face. Okay, here we go.
44. When people cause traffic for no reason
Let me just start off by telling everyone that at one point in my life I was a completely profanity free person. What caused the change? ---Austin traffic. I now have no problem wishing upon horrible deaths to anyone who cuts me off and blurting out the F bomb is now second nature. I do not however use the middle finger. I think it looks ridiculous. You won't ever see me catch up to a driver and roll down my window to show them my longest finger. Nope, if I ever go up to the driver I don't give them just the middle finger, I give 'em the index one too, with my thumb up. Yup, I pretend to shoot them in the head and then follow with the throat cut. In my opinion this has a greater effect then just flipping them off. Okay now that I've revealed some of my psychopathic characteristics...let's go over some traffic.
I absolutely hate it when there is room for two lanes and the car blocks the right turning lane. Great, because of your stupid ass there's a line of cars that need to turn right, while you're sitting there waiting for the opportunity to go left. I've noticed that the vehicle that usually does this is a low truck with a huge Virgin Mary decal on the back window...I'll leave it to you to figure this one out...
Speaking of turning right why do some people still wait for the green light to turn right? If there's not a sign that reads, "No right on red" then that means you CAN turn right on red. Main offender on this one? Anyone over the age of 65.
Texting while driving is probably the worst. You know who you are. This is definitely a hazard. This one has a wide range...16-65 year olds.
Stopping in the middle of the road to let someone out of the car- How about you pull over to the side so I don't run your stupid ass friend over? And when did society turn so trusting to thinking that a stranger won't run you over? I mean we just take people's hand gesture to cross in front of their car like there's no tomorrow. I'm tempted to give a pedestrian the infamous go ahead to cross and then just floor it while screaming, "Simon didn't say!" It's a bit morbid, but funny yes?
45. When you're sitting alone and a random person sits directly in front of you, facing you
Does then happen to everyone else as much as it does to me? Because it seems like this always happens to me. Talk about awkward...but g'thing I always carry around earphones for the universal signal of, "No, actually I don't want to start a conversation with you." Even if I have nothing to plug those earphones into...I'll still put the buds in my ears and the rest of the cord in my pocket.
This is actually happening to me as I write this; I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch... It's the worst when you look up and your eyes meet unintentionally. I'm not looking to have a moment with someone; I'm just here to shove food in the hole of my face in peace. Why do people always have the urge to start conversations? Ugh...I'll just finish my sandwich and get the hell out of here.
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That's all for now....Let's not become strangers again.
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