The Awkward Handshake...because too much time has elapsed for a good hug

Please let's reacquaint ourselves; it has been way too long.  Hello, I'm still Andrea and my unwavering sense of sarcasm has not gone away.  Nice seeing you again.  I can't believe I've let over eight months go by without posting, my deepest apologies.  I'm not sure what to include in my usual blog post preface so I'll just skip it.  Well no.... I will tell you something that happened to me at work.  I worked at good ol' Chili's for lunch and had this one bitch... I don't know why I'm always so lucky to have complete morons sit in my section, but it never fails.  Anyway, she came in with I'm guessing was her husband/baby-daddy and a stroller...with a baby in it.  First off, why do you need a stroller to take your child from where you parked 20 feet away to into a restaurant?  It seems to me that it would be more of a hassle to get the stroller out unfold it get your child out of the car seat put it in the stroller, buckle him/her up and then push.  Just restrain your kid on one of those ridiculous looking leashes and drag.  Am I right, or am I right? I'll brush up on the topic of babies and leashes another day...youse guys should remind me.  Carrying on....The woman insisted on sitting in a closed section away from everyone else, because she didn't want to take the kid out of the stroller.  OK, that's fine, but don't get all butt hurt if it takes more than a second for someone to see you.  I greet them with one of my infamous fake smiles and ask what they wanted to drink.  Baby-daddy gets a Dr. Pepper and the bitch gets a "water with easy ice and three not two lemon slices."  *sigh* This already seems like an awesome table.  I come back with the drinks and ask if they're ready to order and the guy is, but of course the lady isn't.  I look at her and she just gives me the one finger indicating for me to wait while she yells on the phone about breaking some kind of lease....hopefully she's on her way out of Austin.  I wait a good minute or so with her finger in my face and then decide to walk off.  As I'm away from the table she apparently waves down my section buddy for a high chair and he informs her that they're all being used.  She then explains to my buddy that it is beyond preposterous that we don't have enough high chairs to meet the volume of the restaurant.  Eventually a high chair was found and given to her, to shut her mouth up.  I finally got their order in and she then requested a "warm water."  I reply, "Not a problem" and then she asked if I knew how to make a warm water.  I don't know if I'm just assuming that I don't look like a total idiot, but my tables always think otherwise...  She tells me that I need to mix the hot water with the cold water. I look at her with a blank stare and earnestly thank her for explaining it to me.  Sheesh, I wish I had the privilege to tell people exactly what I'm thinking without it directly affecting my tip percentage.

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I've been letting so many idiots off the hook, because I've been too lazy to bitch and complain about them in written form.  Forewarning to all of you PTTAAFers the time has come and there's no more hiding.  Here we go...

PTTAAF 9*
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING

41.  One-Uppers

I'm not exactly sure to what terms other people use, but I'm guessing everyone knows at least one of these kinds of people.  I call a person a one-upper if no matter what story or fact you may say in front of them, they have some kind of response that belittles your former statement.  This is kinda difficult to explain so I will just include some REAL examples.  Everything you're about to read I have not imagined up or have fabricated, these are statements living one-uppers have told me.  *I'll now refer to "One uppers" as 1up and put their words in bold just to make sure there's no confusion.  Also, I have changed all names and times to protect the privacy of whoever gives a shit. 



REAL SIGHTINGS:

• Me:  Oh, my goodness did you hear that Susan was struck by lightning?
• 1up:  Oh, really?  Well, the pain isn't as bad as you would think.
• Me:  Pft, like you would know.  Are you an expert in lightning pain or something?
• 1up:  No, but I've been struck by lightning before.
• Me:  What?!! No, way.
• 1up:  Yeah, actually more than once.
• Me:  Shut the hell up.  You've been struck by lightning two times?
• 1up:  I never said that.
• Me:  What? You just said you've been struck by lightning more than once.
• 1up:  Yeah, I have.  Not twice, but three times.
• Me:  You've been struck by lightning three times...In the same day?
• 1up:  No, that's silly.  It was three separate times.
• Me:  That's UNbelievable.  

I'll spare you the details because it involves a mystical unicorn and 1up having the idea for a space time continuum or something.  Well, it didn't go that far, but it might as well have because there's no way this 1up was telling the truth.  And you may ask how do I know this for sure?  The simple answer is that I always test 1ups.  How does one do this?  Well, there are various ways, but I like making up statistics that I've supposedly read in the New York Times and random theories I've learned as an undergrad.  It never fails that 1ups fall for the bait and say that they know exactly what I'm talking about.  Here are s'more examples minus the conversation dialogue.  I'll just list some things that were said by different 1ups, each color indicates a different 1up.

• "I don't need a watch or an alarm.  I some how have the ability to always wake up and arrive on time." 
• "I was only part of the UT football team for one season; I was 2nd string after Ricky Williams.
• "I used to make well over six figures, but now I'm just stuck as a middle manager at Wal-Mart.  I should have been a multimillionaire by now" 
• "If I see an accident along the road I'm obligated to stop because I'm medically qualified to help because I've taken some community college nursing classes."
• "Your cat is pretty fat, but my friend has a cat that is over 50 pounds."
• "I'm such a klutz.  I used to work at drive thru Starbucks and I fell through the take out window and into someone's car." 
• "Luckily I used to be a male prostitute and the judge recognized me so he didn't suspend my license."
  
• "You've really never been in an orgy?  I've been in a bed with eight other people at one time.*" *This is hard to believe because the guy who told me this is probably the stupidest and ugliest person I've ever met
• "I actually have passed the bar and have a medical license so I can practice both law and medicine, but I just really love being a waiter and I make more money serving."
• "No, this insulin isn't for diabetes...I actually have cancer."
• "My business is doing so well and I'm making so much money, that I don't even have to work.  This job is just for fun."* *This is coming from a guy that uses a pre-smart flip phone and drives a car that is older than a 2001 and is not a classic. 

Who are these one uppers trying to impress?  I mean it's obvious that they're lying.  Everyone is just too nice to call them out on their shit all of the time.  Plus, this just makes a person sad.  You're not gaining personality points, you're just losing integrity.  How can one know if they are indeed a so called one upper?  Well, if you think back on any conversation and it ended with you telling someone how "awesome" you are all of the time... chances are I try to avoid you at all costs.

What have you heard from one uppers?  I'm very curious. 


42.  When people wear clothing that is too tight/ill fitting

Okay, I know that there are certain things that are supposed to be skin tight. i.e. scuba suits, spandex body suits for athletes, SPANX, etc.  But, there is a difference between wearing something that is "skinny fit" and wearing something that looks like sausage casing.  Here's a rule of thumb...if you wear something that you think fits and you do any kind of natural movement and something suddenly pops out...then I suggest you should go at least a size up.  Furthermore, don't you think it's an obvious oxymoron that there is such thing as a skinny fit for plus sizes?  Shouldn't a plus size skinny fit be I don't know....average?  I think plus sizers would agree that the term is more fitting...pun definitely intended.  I think the problem starts with the cashier or person the clothing originated from.  I definitely know that I'm no size zero, but I do know how to shop for my intended size.  I mean if you saw the star from Precious, Gabourey Sidibe and she wanted to try on a size small tank top...would you stop her?  I wonder what cashiers think when a person purchases something that is obviously too small for them.  There must be some kind of system to where you have to meet some kind of requirement to purchase clothing.  In Japan you need proof of a parking spot to buy a car, why can't we have proof that a person will fit in a t-shirt?  I know most likely this would be too difficult to gauge what actually "fits" a person, but maybe we could use some sort of rating system.  A pseudo-American Idol voting system would suffice.  I mean if Randy Jackson says, "I'm not feeling it dawg" then that should be an indication to get some new clothes.


43. When people expect more than just a free dessert for a birthday

This is one is dedicated to any person who has ever work at a restaurant.  Having a so called birthday dinner is usually part of any birthday celebratory event.  It doesn't matter to me where or what kind of place a person has their birthday, what does get to me is when people expect the employees of a restaurant to perform some sort of song and dance for their behalf.   Getting a free drink or dessert is one thing, but why is the server of a birthday party obligated to sing for a stranger they care nothing about?  Mind you there is a difference between places that are specifically designed for birthday parties; usually these places have some sort of birthday package. For an additional charge you get a cake along with some "fun" activities.  In this case, I have no problem participating in a birthday celebration because it's part of this so called package.  Usually at a restaurant however these packages are not to be found.  Who on earth made it a rule for a restaurant to give two shits about the day a person came out of their mother's vagina?  You can't go to any other place of business and ask them to give you something for free and then sing to you.  I mean I've never tried, but I'm guessing they'll look at you like you're an imbecile.  If that were the case I would go to every single store I could possibly go to in a span of 24 hours and demand my free shirts, watches, jewelry, etc. But, that indeed is not the case.  If you want "Happy Birthday" to be sung to you, look at the group you came with.  Don't drag your unfortunate server into the mix, because I'm telling you they absolutely hate it.  100% of servers die inside when you inform them that it's someone's birthday at the table.  They are not excited and could care less.  Also, you're not fooling anyone when you stalk a server into a corner and whisper it's your best friend's birthday.  Everyone knows the reason you're there is for the free dessert and shitty ass song.  And I know a lot of people like to use the restaurant employees' singing as a vessel of embarrassment toward the birthday girl/boy, but it's not their responsibility.  There are so many things that people use servers for other than food orders and drink refills.  Here are a few things we actually do mind doing, but do it anyway in chance for a better tip:

Please don't ask me to do these things for you-

• Give your phone number to another employee or table
• Throw away trash that you brought in from your car
• Watch your kids for you while you go home and get money to pay for your meal
• Take more than two pictures*   *That's my limit
• Cut the corn off the cob for you

There are many more, but I'll start to feel like I'm preaching.  The bottom line is if a person has to ask what your name is to sing "Happy Birthday," THEN THEY SHOULDN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SINGING IT.

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Whew...let me take a breath before I start again, the blood is rushing to my face.  Okay, here we go.

44. When people cause traffic for no reason

Let me just start off by telling everyone that at one point in my life I was a completely profanity free person.  What caused the change?  ---Austin traffic.  I now have no problem wishing upon horrible deaths to anyone who cuts me off and blurting out the F bomb is now second nature.  I do not however use the middle finger.  I think it looks ridiculous.  You won't ever see me catch up to a driver and roll down my window to show them my longest finger.  Nope, if I ever go up to the driver I don't give them just the middle finger, I give 'em the index one too, with my thumb up.  Yup, I pretend to shoot them in the head and then follow with the throat cut.  In my opinion this has a greater effect then just flipping them off.  Okay now that I've revealed some of my psychopathic characteristics...let's go over some traffic.  

I absolutely hate it when there is room for two lanes and the car blocks the right turning lane.  Great, because of your stupid ass there's a line of cars that need to turn right, while you're sitting there waiting for the opportunity to go left.  I've noticed that the vehicle that usually does this is a low truck with a huge Virgin Mary decal on the back window...I'll leave it to you to figure this one out...

Speaking of turning right why do some people still wait for the green light to turn right?  If there's not a sign that reads, "No right on red" then that means you CAN turn right on red.  Main offender on this one?  Anyone over the age of 65.

Texting while driving is probably the worst.  You know who you are.  This is definitely a hazard.  This one has a wide range...16-65 year olds.

Stopping in the middle of the road to let someone out of the car-  How about you pull over to the side so I don't run your stupid ass friend over?  And when did society turn so trusting to thinking that a stranger won't run you over?  I mean we just take people's hand gesture to cross in front of their car like there's no tomorrow.  I'm tempted to give a pedestrian the infamous go ahead to cross and then just floor it while screaming, "Simon didn't say!"  It's a bit morbid, but funny yes?

45.  When you're sitting alone and a random person sits directly in front of you, facing you

Does then happen to everyone else as much as it does to me?  Because it seems like this always happens to me.  Talk about awkward...but g'thing I always carry around earphones for the universal signal of, "No, actually I don't want to start a conversation with you."  Even if I have nothing to plug those earphones into...I'll still put the buds in my ears and the rest of the cord in my pocket.

This is actually happening to me as I write this; I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch...  It's the worst when you look up and your eyes meet unintentionally.  I'm not looking to have a moment with someone; I'm just here to shove food in the hole of my face in peace.  Why do people always have the urge to start conversations?  Ugh...I'll just finish my sandwich and get the hell out of here.

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That's all for now....Let's not become strangers again.

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