Believe it or Not... I'm Not Dead

 Let me start things off by answering everyone's question:  "Where the hell have you been?"

---For the most part of the summer I've just been back in my good ol' hometown.  Not much to do here except to loiter at Wal-Mart and work at my favorite restaurant, "Like no place else" Chili's!  Please note that sarcasm and disdain is always a given when the infamous "home of the baby back ribs" is ever stated.  Aside from slitting my wrists vertically for fun in the hill country I did go on week long family vacation.  I think that I've already voiced my opinion about family vacations previously on this blog....but let's just reiterate shall we?  I really have no idea who thought of the concept of family vacations because technically the best vacations in my opinion tend to be the ones taken when going far far far away from your family.  The only upside from traveling with your parents is that more likely than not they take care of the bill.  More cash in the pocket is always a plus, but at what cost?  The down side of family vacations is that during them it seems like anything that was annoying to a family member before the vacation has now multiplied ten fold in a subconscious irritation meter.  For example my father is a pretty laid back guy, but he like everyone else has a vexing side... What my dad does is that he instinctively asks too many questions...repeatedly.  Let's say my mom and I are having a conversation and the word "chicken" pops up.  This word will trigger my dad into a machine gun-like series of unnecessary and mindless questions and or statements.  A few e.g. for you:

• Chicken?
• You don't like chicken?
• We're going to have chicken?
• What place has chicken?
• Is that all you want?
• I thought you wanted crab legs?
• rrrrrgggg raaawwwwhhhhggggg.....

Another thing to add is that there usually is not an extended period of time in between these questions, so an answer cannot be given.  Even so these questions are dangerously close to being an unheard of "stupid question."  It's a bit ironic that I think the source of the statement, "There are no stupid questions" was my father.  Also, if you noticed that the last bullet is not indeed a question, but is rather a jumbled up group of random typing, then I would explain this by telling you that sometimes my dad likes to use sound effects or grunts rather than English words.  Believe me this is very difficult when attempting to communicate with my father.  This sad attempt would most likely go over in this nature:


--*note the onomatopoeia

Asian Father:  "I saw this movie on TV and a man was 'pew pew' and run then 'preeow....grumph....kerrang....whi-cha whi-cha.....wham!' it was a good one.  He jump and aklsjfioaw klajwejaklri aklaweijawiadk.....blah blah blah (insert filler here)."


Anyway, you can see where I can get the frustration from.  Plus, keep in mind that one of these story gems is during a "family vacation."  So, in mid-sentence I want to stab myself in the eye and tear my own head off.  Except, in most cases sharp objects are not conveniently in arms reach so I must voice how irritating people are.  And, that my friends is the origin of where family arguments are stewed and then festered into grudges and resentment.  
----

I know this just sounds like a bitch-fest, but isn't that the reason why you're all here?  Well, let's get on with it...

PTTAAF 8*
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING

36.  Micromanagement

Just four words:  Get off my shit.  I believe management is very important contribution to make a business successful, but I don't think micromanagement is necessary in any case.  If a person is compelled to always have their hand in every matter, then this instantly transforms subordinates into enemies.  No one like to be told what to do all of the time, especially me.  If you know me personally then you have probably figured out that I don't completely have shit for brains...all of the time.  So if that's the case then you know that I shouldn't be treated like a blithering idiot.  If I needed someone to hold my hand throughout my entire working career, then I probably shouldn't possess a job.  There's a huge difference between asking someone to do you a work related favor and  nitpicking at minor details.  So if you ever hear me utter those four words...a word of advice --> listen. 

37.  When people complain about getting souvenirs

If you ask me, if a person gets you a souvenir you should feel lucky that they actually thought of your ass while on vacation.  I know sometimes buying souvenirs can at times feel like a burden, but do what you like.  No matter what gift I receive big or small, I am at least grateful.  The souvenir that gets under my skin are the stupid shirts, mugs, or anything that has a surface that allows screen prints to be applied to it that has, "My ______ went to ______ and all I got was this lousy shirt, mug, or anything that has a surface that allows screen prints to be applied to it."  Why do I hate this said product?  Because the very nature of the souvenir screams, "This is a shitty gift."  Everyone knows that this cliche piece of merchandise is not funny or of good quality.  I mean I've never seen anything that's worth anything that contains the word "lousy" intentionally on it.  Whoever was the first person to come up with this gimmick of a "lousy" souvenir must be that one person who is a piece of shit who complains about everything.  The person who gave them something should have taken back the souvenir and replaced it with something like this:

To me this seems more appropriate to what that person deserves.  I mean it is the thought that counts right?

38.  Auto Flushers

I get why toilets are automatic nowadays, but out of all advances in technology was this one really necessary?  How long does it take to flush a toilet?  Maybe a few seconds? It really doesn't take much effort.  I think we should devote our invention capabilities toward things that do not enable us to be lazy and overweight pieces of shit.  Let's talk about people who are extremely overweight...this may be a touchy subject, but someone needs to bring it up.  It is a fact that currently overall people are fatter than ever.  I am against letting overweight people have handicap spaces.  If anything we should make them park farther away from their desired destination.  It may be the only exercise they get all week.  Plus, society is the enabler of obesity.  Usually there are warning labels on things that are harmful to our health.  i.e. alcohol, tobacco, and medicine/prescription products.  But, if you have noticed there are few warnings on food products aside from allergy warnings.  Maybe below the ingredients should be a cautionary tale of a person who ate too many Cheetos and now is too large to fit through the doorway of their own home.  I know this sort of scare tactic would work on most people, me included.  Or another suggestion is to be more creative with the serving sizes.  Instead of just putting something along the lines of "Serving size: 1 oz (28g/about 7 chips)" maybe replace that with "Serving size: Jabba the Hut's handful (364g/ about 2 chips too many)."  To me that's a little more eye catching. Or maybe a non-conventional before and after shot..

Anyway, back to the fact... Flushing a toilet is not rocket science and it takes minimal effort.  Also, has anyone else experienced the event when the toilet flushed at a time when you didn't want it to flush?  Like when you're sitting on the commode and it flushes beneath you.  To me that seems quite rude.  Another scenario is when you put the wax seat cover on the seat and then the toilet flushes it before you even sit down.  Now that's frustrating.  When I was younger I thought the automatic flushers operated by a camera and a person would know when you were finished and then would flushed the toilet for you when you got up.  This doesn't seem all that out there because there is a flashing red light on some of the automatic flushers.  There's something to think about.

39.  When people use/say unnecessary gestures/salutations

Does anything come to mind right away?  

• The telephone

How about when people put a thumb to the ear and a pinky finger to the mouth to mimic a phone?  I think it's obvious enough when a person explains a story when they're on the phone without using their hand as a prop.  Maybe there was a person who didn't understand the concept of a person being on the phone and needed clarification.

-"So I was on the phone and..."
~"Wait. What do you mean you were on the phone?"
-"On the telephone.  You know like this (hand gesture of phone)."
~"Oh....now I get it.  Using your hand as a phone really helped and I think it is essential to the story."

• Ba-dum-chi

I understand that a person cannot be funny at all times, but if in fact a statement is genuinely funny I don't think a "ba-dum-chi" must follow it.  The only sound acceptable to validate if something is humorous is laughter.  Even if the laugh isn't very pleasant at least you can tell if it's authentic.  Well, that is of course if you have a trusty fake laugh detector like I do.  It really comes in handy when you're trying to determine if someone is a bitch.  For me it works like this:  If I think you're giving me pity laughs, then I think you're a bitch.  It's as easy as that.  This seems a bit extreme, but I can't help how I feel.   Oh, and I'm completely joking.  I'll take any laughs even if they're for charity.  I think the only things that proceed "ba-dum-chi" are in fact not supposed to be funny at all.  Almost like a person is joking that the statement is funny.  It's one of those confusing double negative or positive things.  A common example would include anything that starts with "your mom."

E.g.   "Man, this sucks."
        "Your mom sucks. Ba-dum-chi haha"

You see.  Not funny at all.  And now if you were the person that said this, you look like a complete asshole.

You could also use the "ba-dum-chi" out of spite.  Just say something with complete sarcasm and then end it with the short drum riff.

E.g. 

• I really like your haircut...
• Your drawing is really beautiful...
• You cooked this?  It's delicious...
• This is the best present ever...

                                                                        ....Ba-dum-chi.

 It's a little below the belt if you ask me.


40.  When reruns don't play in order

I get that not all reruns can play in consecutive all of the time, but the least the network could do is play them in order if they are showing them back to back.  The only station that I know who does this is Lifetime: the network for women.  How do I know this? Because on occasion I rewatch old Grey's Anatomy episodes....it's not a crime you know.  Anyway, this isn't a very crucial

OK You should all know the drill now.  Let's continue to be best friends and click --> HERE <--

It's not me...It's you.

So I've decided to devote this particular blog to PTTAAF.

So check out my new work in process ---> Some Bunny's Shit.

It will include a bunch of random things.  Enjoy and leave me....comments!!!

Hiya Stranger

Ah, I can't believe I completely neglected my blog and youse guys for over a month.  I'll just apologize now.

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry that I haven't written you even when I said I would...please forgive me.

Your friend,

Andy

Oh, and for everyone else...my bad.

I could have lied and said that I intentionally skipped February because it's by far the most retarded month.  Oh, excuse me, I mean the month with the most severe mental disabilities.  For one, it's not spelled how it sounds phonetically, and it's the only month with less than 30 days.  Plus on top of that, every four years we just tack on an extra day to the second month of the year for shits and giggles.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I know that it's because we need to keep the solar year balanced and blah, blah, blah.  But, why do we add it to February?  Why not to January or December?  Seems to me it would make more sense to add an extra day to the end months.  Anyone have an answer for that one?  I'm too lazy to Google it and I refuse to pay a dollar for kgb to do it.

Let's just get straight to it.

PTTAAF 7*
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING

A spark of inspiration.


31.  Know it Alls (KIA)

So, I'm not going to drop any specific names on this one, but I think that these kinds of people are easy to spot.  It's one thing when a person knows nothing at all and has shit for brains. But it's a totally different ball game when a person knows nothing, but says anything and everything to portray an image of intellect.  We all know that I am easily annoyed by idiots, but if you're a know it all, most likely I do everything in my power to avoid you at all cost.  Like I've said before, if I answer you with short one syllable words....hint hint! I don't want you to direct any kind of conversation toward me.

Usually Know-it-Alls claim to be from multiple places, are at least bilingual, and knows everything about current news and random knowledge.  When I actually have enough patience to deal with a KIA, my favorite thing to do is mess with them.  I'll create some obscure news story and see if they take a bite at the bait.  Usually they do, because KIAs can never be out of the loop.  It's so funny to see a person's response to my lies about how chewing your food more than 10x causes cancer or how the color pink is becoming endangered.  Usually KIAs will put their finger to their chin while pondering and say, "Oh, yeah I've read about that somewhere."  The truth is you haven't because I pulled all of that straight out of my ass hole.  Do everyone a favor and just shut the hell up for once.  Here's a rule of thumb, if a person doesn't ask for your opinion it usually means they don't want it.

32.  When people are bitchy-nice

Who here doesn't know what bitchy-nice is?  Well, I guess this can be defined in many ways, but let me include what I think it entails.  When a person constantly has a smile stuck on their face while simultaneously is being insulting or degrading, is my definition for "bitchy-nice."  The funny thing is that usually this pertains to females.  It's usually the lady who has some kind of minuscule job, but has some kind of loaded snazzy title like administrative assistant = secretary or sales associate = Wal-Mart employee.  They kind of grit their teeth when speaking and they talk through their teeth like a cheap ventriloquist.  I don't understand why people put these two attributes together. I mean c'mon we all know that the "nice" is an act and the truth is that you're just really a bitch.  So, if you're going to be a bitch then fine, be one.  But, don't try to hide it by pretending to be my best friend.  I know who my friends are and I don't need a female pooch to hump my leg.

33.  When people's butt cracks constantly show.

Please note that I inserted the word "constantly."  I understand that sometimes pants can sag down due to gravity and what not, but if it is corrected within a certain time period I'll deem it acceptable.  But, the majority of the time when ass crack is shown, it is by the skanky girl in front of me during lecture or the somewhat heavy set guy that from far away seems like he shares a common odor with an old sopping rag or mop.  I mean c'mon can these people really not feel that their cracks are exposed?  Sometimes I intentionally power-walk directly behind them hoping that the gust of wind from my stroll will trigger a cool sensation to their ass fold. 

So, I've thought of a solution to this gluteus maximus cleavage epidemic.  Instead of young women only getting floral/butterfly lower back tattoos...I suggest something along these lines:

Hey, at least it's a bit considerate, right?

34.  When people ask questions they already know the answer to.

This could go either way.  One or two of these kinds of questions could be acceptable only in the following situations:

Acceptable Examples:

To start a conversation:  Oh, hey you're John Doe's sister, right?
To get something back that's yours:  Oh, is that my pen you're using?
To end a conversation:  Oh, wow it's 10 o'clock already?

Note that most of these questions start with, "Oh."  But, any interjection can be used at the beginning of these questions to avoid extreme awkwardness toward the other party.

What is not permitted is when you ask a question just for instant gratification to let others that you might actually know something. Usually these questions have particularly simple answers that even Forrest Gump could give with ease.  Or the questions can easily be converted into statements if the question mark is replaced with a period.

Prohibited Examples:

Two plus two equals four?
You're 22, so you're turning 23?
Both your parents are Filipino...so that makes you full Filipino?

I would greatly appreciate it if everyone would just stop and think before they speak sometimes.  I'm not pointing the finger to any of my readers because I know youse guys wouldn't do that, right?* e.g. of conversation ender

35.  When people say/write things that are obviously grammatically incorrect.

I'm just going to admit one thing right now.  I know I suck at grammar, comma splices, and all that jazz, but I do know the difference between possessives and contractions. Is it really that difficult? 

Your versus You're


Your = possessive 
Examples:

Is that your banana?
Your blog is awesome.
That's not mine.  I think that's yours.


You're = you are
Examples:

You're awesome.
You're so funny.
I'm glad you're here.

There- Their- They're:  It's going to be alright.

OK "there," "their," and "they're" is an example of a homophone.  Surprising to some, that is not a gay telephone.  A homophone is: one of two or more words pronounced alike but differs in meaning, derivation or spelling.

There = in or at that place

Examples:

What's over there?
Here, there, and everywhere.
There we go.

Their = of or relating to them or themselves; his or her, possessive case of they

Examples:

I lost all of their phone numbers.
Their dogs are all out.
Their prices here are pretty decent.


They're = contraction of they are

Examples:

They're so cute.
They're all busy.
They're closing in five minutes.

*A sub-note to add
"Thay" is not an English word. 

Abbreviations

I hate it when people use "proff" for professor.  Notice that there is only ONE "f" in professor.

Good to note* Knowledge courtesy of U.I.L. Dictionary skills
p = page pg = page
pp = pages pgs = pages
V. = versus VS. = versus
ABBR = Abbreviation

*Why the hell is abbreviation such a long word?  And why do we only have a short hand symbol for a two letter word? At = @  Wow, thanks for saving me a millisecond of my time.  How about we figure something out for that "h-t-t-p-colon-backslash-backslash-w-w-w-dot" bullshit?


Anyway V. Anyways

Anyway = never the less, at any rate, any how

Anyways= nonstandard, anyway

So pretty much, "anyways" is not a word.  So...don't use it.  Just the sound of it makes me cringe.  I've tried to be an active corrector of this by instantly saying "anyway" any time I hear someone use, "anyways."  So, don't be surprised when you hear an echo of  "anyway" when you blurt out a nonstandard word.

Pronunciation of my name, Andrea.

Correct:  ahn-drey-uh / an-dree-uh

Incorrect: on/awn- drey-uh

I think that I made a conscious decision on the pronunciation of my name on the first day of Kindergarten.  

Ms. Sylvester asked me, "Is it Ann-drey-uh or On-drey-uh?" 


Because I hate the sound of an "o" in my name I picked the Americanized version of my name:  Ann-drey-uh.


Technically, it's neither.  My parents named me and since they are both from Filipino decent, the "r" in my name is somewhat rolled.  So, something like this:  Ahn- drrrey- uh But, forewarning!!! Do not ever emphasize the r-rolling in my name.  That just makes you sound straight up ignorant and stupid.  I don't want anyone to turn into a freaking cat midway into saying my name.  Leave the purring to the hairball coughing and private licking felines.  

You would think the Americanized version would be everyone's first guess to pronouncing my name, but you'd be completely wrong.  Just because my skin contains a bit more melanin than some of youse white folk, it doesn't mean that I must have some crazy foreign name.  Plus, Andrea is my actual name.  It's not an American replacement for Lingxiaoping or Ching-a ling-ling, OK? 

Whew, I finally got that off my chest.

End of rant.  Please click --> HERE <-- to comment and make my day.

New Year, Old Tidings

Happy MMX!!! I hope everyone had an awesome year, but if you didn't...Hey, here's a new one, so try not to F it up.  I'm sure many of you have your resolutions thought out, but how many of you are actually going to keep 'em? My top philosophy now is to reevaluate my relationships:  family, friendship, etcetera. Aristotle's ethics include how people only have "friendships" or philia i.e. love, because the relationships are only intact because each individual uses another for some sort of advantage.  That's a pretty bizarre idea that every person in existence uses another.  We all know what I'm using you for.......ahem blog comments.  But, what's your advantage from me?  Just something to think about... Anyway, enough of this mumbo jumbo.  Let's get to what really matters...

PTTAAF 6*
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING

That's so.....miscellaneous.  

27.  When people flake


I understand that sometimes plans turn to shit, but c'mon.  There's a difference between change of plans and flaking.  There are many definitions for a flake, but each of them share a common word, unreliable.  How many times does a person have to ditch plans before they are named unreliable or i.e. a flake? Well, personally I think granting a person three chances is generous.  I'm all for hanging and what not, but don't make plans with me to just shit on them later.  It's such a waste of time to think you have plans and then in the end, you don't.  


28.  When people have the wrong winter attire


Of course each person's sense of warmth differentiates due to size or preference, but there are times when you think about a person's outfit with, "Wow, I guess it's not that hot/cold out here."  It's hard to visualize without clip art, eh?  Well, let me help you out with that.  


Let me categorize what I think is appropriate for the according temperatures* Please note that these are in terms of Tejas weather, so all you Canadians shut your trap.  Especially, you Alanis Morissette.  Nobody cares what you think.  As for your ex-fiancé, Ryan Reynolds....mmmm he can talk. Anyway, enough Canadian bashing.  Let's get to it.


40s - Freezing temperatures:


First off, if it's freezing in Texas my advice is to...stay indoors.  No one here can drive in sleet let alone snow.  Southern people can't even handle drizzle.  Let's all do everyone a favor and keep our lives by staying off the roads.  If you do decide to turn mental and go out side...the key word is layers.  


First layer/next to skin-  should be something that takes away the sweat from the body.  I'm sure many of you are thinking a t-shirt, but cotton soaks up water and doesn't evaporate quickly.  I prefer to wear Nike Dri-Fit. Some of you may ask, "What's Dri-fit?"  Well, here's Nike's description:  Dri-Fit:  This high-performance, microfiber, polyester fabric wicks sweat away from the body and moves it to the fabric surface, where it evaporates. As a result, Dri-FIT fabric helps you stay dry and comfortable.  

Well, I'm sold.  


Middle layer/thermal layer-  This is where you wear your warmest stuff.  The hideous wool sweater you got from one of your aunts from Christmas will do.  If it's it's cold enough it won't matter because you'll have another layer to hide the vomit green color of your sweater and you can blame the beet-red face from the cold/wind.  

*Note that I do not/never will own this sweater


Outer layer- This should be water proof and wind resistant.  This will keep you warm by protecting your thermal layer from being cold and wet.  A down puff jacket will do it it's really cold, but it might not be very accessible or practical.  And for all you Whitey Whitersons, we all know how you adore your North Face jacket.  

*****

So, I already established this is for really really cold climate, and you can always add layers between these basic ones.  But, if you only wear a T-shirt under your stupid letter jacket and complain it's cold...Get the F out of my face.  Also, you frat boys who stroll around campus in freezing temperatures with your stupid sailor shorts, Sperry Topsiders with no socks, and backwards cap...YOU DON'T LOOK "COOL!"  Pun halfway intended.  I for one think if it's freezing and you're wearing shorts and a T-shirt and are pale white and shivering, you're an IDIOT.  I have no sympathy for stupid people.  If you want my sympathy, back of the line.

50s-60s:

Down here, this is still considered a bit cold.  I would think at least a light jacket for the morning is a must and then if it warms up you can just take it off.  Only thing about this is that when it's freaking cold in the morning and when noon hits the suns slaps you across the face, I tend to get irritated to carry my jacket around.  And tying the sleeves around your waist/shoulders only works for Polo Ralph Lauren models.  

 

70s:

70s can still be cool, but it's not cold any more.  Take off your damn turtleneck and destroy your Snuggie for dogs.  

80s:

It's warm.  No need for winter attire at all.  Enjoy the nice weather, douchebags.  Take off your hoodie and sit on it.

90s-100:

It's f'ing hot.  If you're wearing any sort of jacket, you deserve to be punched square in the mouth.  Period.  Unless of course you have some sort of skin problem...OK the kids off of The Others have a pass, everyone else a fist to the face.

29.  When people chime in on conversations they know nothing about

If I'm speaking to one person, there's probably a reason I'm speaking to ONE person.  Don't walk up beside me and stare at us and wait for something to comment on.  If you notice that when you walk up to a conversation and the people look at you funny and turn back and say, "Anyway..." and continue with their conversation, most likely they don't want you standing there.  Another hint to know you're not wanted to have a conversation with is when a person only answers in one/two syllable words.  E.g.:  Uh, huh, OK, yeah, yes, etcetera.  

30.  Dr. Honeydew* I don't really hate the Muppets character, but I do hate the person he resembles.

For those of you who have no idea who this person is, feel privileged.  Just knowing that this person exists in the world makes me die inside a little every day.  This is no hyperbole.  I HATE this man.  You think that my blog is full of hate and disgust?  Well, words cannot describe how much I despise this person.  Just thinking about him disgusts me to the core.  I'm just going to leave it at this because I don't want to start having a tantrum and have a cerebral (brain) aneurysm.  Ballooning blood vessel in the brain?  Yeah, no thanks.  But, I will open up the comments for anyone who thinks they know who Dr. Honeydew is.  I would please request that you do not include his/her name, but to just include what you think of this person.  And, if you are unsure or are unaware of who Dr. Honeydew indeed is, I'm sure there is a person you know who is the equivalent, so please describe your arch nemesis.  Please, this is an open space so comment away.  

You know the drill.  Click -->  HERE <--  if you heart me.