Believe it or Not... I'm Not Dead

 Let me start things off by answering everyone's question:  "Where the hell have you been?"

---For the most part of the summer I've just been back in my good ol' hometown.  Not much to do here except to loiter at Wal-Mart and work at my favorite restaurant, "Like no place else" Chili's!  Please note that sarcasm and disdain is always a given when the infamous "home of the baby back ribs" is ever stated.  Aside from slitting my wrists vertically for fun in the hill country I did go on week long family vacation.  I think that I've already voiced my opinion about family vacations previously on this blog....but let's just reiterate shall we?  I really have no idea who thought of the concept of family vacations because technically the best vacations in my opinion tend to be the ones taken when going far far far away from your family.  The only upside from traveling with your parents is that more likely than not they take care of the bill.  More cash in the pocket is always a plus, but at what cost?  The down side of family vacations is that during them it seems like anything that was annoying to a family member before the vacation has now multiplied ten fold in a subconscious irritation meter.  For example my father is a pretty laid back guy, but he like everyone else has a vexing side... What my dad does is that he instinctively asks too many questions...repeatedly.  Let's say my mom and I are having a conversation and the word "chicken" pops up.  This word will trigger my dad into a machine gun-like series of unnecessary and mindless questions and or statements.  A few e.g. for you:

• Chicken?
• You don't like chicken?
• We're going to have chicken?
• What place has chicken?
• Is that all you want?
• I thought you wanted crab legs?
• rrrrrgggg raaawwwwhhhhggggg.....

Another thing to add is that there usually is not an extended period of time in between these questions, so an answer cannot be given.  Even so these questions are dangerously close to being an unheard of "stupid question."  It's a bit ironic that I think the source of the statement, "There are no stupid questions" was my father.  Also, if you noticed that the last bullet is not indeed a question, but is rather a jumbled up group of random typing, then I would explain this by telling you that sometimes my dad likes to use sound effects or grunts rather than English words.  Believe me this is very difficult when attempting to communicate with my father.  This sad attempt would most likely go over in this nature:


--*note the onomatopoeia

Asian Father:  "I saw this movie on TV and a man was 'pew pew' and run then 'preeow....grumph....kerrang....whi-cha whi-cha.....wham!' it was a good one.  He jump and aklsjfioaw klajwejaklri aklaweijawiadk.....blah blah blah (insert filler here)."


Anyway, you can see where I can get the frustration from.  Plus, keep in mind that one of these story gems is during a "family vacation."  So, in mid-sentence I want to stab myself in the eye and tear my own head off.  Except, in most cases sharp objects are not conveniently in arms reach so I must voice how irritating people are.  And, that my friends is the origin of where family arguments are stewed and then festered into grudges and resentment.  
----

I know this just sounds like a bitch-fest, but isn't that the reason why you're all here?  Well, let's get on with it...

PTTAAF 8*
*PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING &/OR FRUSTRATING

36.  Micromanagement

Just four words:  Get off my shit.  I believe management is very important contribution to make a business successful, but I don't think micromanagement is necessary in any case.  If a person is compelled to always have their hand in every matter, then this instantly transforms subordinates into enemies.  No one like to be told what to do all of the time, especially me.  If you know me personally then you have probably figured out that I don't completely have shit for brains...all of the time.  So if that's the case then you know that I shouldn't be treated like a blithering idiot.  If I needed someone to hold my hand throughout my entire working career, then I probably shouldn't possess a job.  There's a huge difference between asking someone to do you a work related favor and  nitpicking at minor details.  So if you ever hear me utter those four words...a word of advice --> listen. 

37.  When people complain about getting souvenirs

If you ask me, if a person gets you a souvenir you should feel lucky that they actually thought of your ass while on vacation.  I know sometimes buying souvenirs can at times feel like a burden, but do what you like.  No matter what gift I receive big or small, I am at least grateful.  The souvenir that gets under my skin are the stupid shirts, mugs, or anything that has a surface that allows screen prints to be applied to it that has, "My ______ went to ______ and all I got was this lousy shirt, mug, or anything that has a surface that allows screen prints to be applied to it."  Why do I hate this said product?  Because the very nature of the souvenir screams, "This is a shitty gift."  Everyone knows that this cliche piece of merchandise is not funny or of good quality.  I mean I've never seen anything that's worth anything that contains the word "lousy" intentionally on it.  Whoever was the first person to come up with this gimmick of a "lousy" souvenir must be that one person who is a piece of shit who complains about everything.  The person who gave them something should have taken back the souvenir and replaced it with something like this:

To me this seems more appropriate to what that person deserves.  I mean it is the thought that counts right?

38.  Auto Flushers

I get why toilets are automatic nowadays, but out of all advances in technology was this one really necessary?  How long does it take to flush a toilet?  Maybe a few seconds? It really doesn't take much effort.  I think we should devote our invention capabilities toward things that do not enable us to be lazy and overweight pieces of shit.  Let's talk about people who are extremely overweight...this may be a touchy subject, but someone needs to bring it up.  It is a fact that currently overall people are fatter than ever.  I am against letting overweight people have handicap spaces.  If anything we should make them park farther away from their desired destination.  It may be the only exercise they get all week.  Plus, society is the enabler of obesity.  Usually there are warning labels on things that are harmful to our health.  i.e. alcohol, tobacco, and medicine/prescription products.  But, if you have noticed there are few warnings on food products aside from allergy warnings.  Maybe below the ingredients should be a cautionary tale of a person who ate too many Cheetos and now is too large to fit through the doorway of their own home.  I know this sort of scare tactic would work on most people, me included.  Or another suggestion is to be more creative with the serving sizes.  Instead of just putting something along the lines of "Serving size: 1 oz (28g/about 7 chips)" maybe replace that with "Serving size: Jabba the Hut's handful (364g/ about 2 chips too many)."  To me that's a little more eye catching. Or maybe a non-conventional before and after shot..

Anyway, back to the fact... Flushing a toilet is not rocket science and it takes minimal effort.  Also, has anyone else experienced the event when the toilet flushed at a time when you didn't want it to flush?  Like when you're sitting on the commode and it flushes beneath you.  To me that seems quite rude.  Another scenario is when you put the wax seat cover on the seat and then the toilet flushes it before you even sit down.  Now that's frustrating.  When I was younger I thought the automatic flushers operated by a camera and a person would know when you were finished and then would flushed the toilet for you when you got up.  This doesn't seem all that out there because there is a flashing red light on some of the automatic flushers.  There's something to think about.

39.  When people use/say unnecessary gestures/salutations

Does anything come to mind right away?  

• The telephone

How about when people put a thumb to the ear and a pinky finger to the mouth to mimic a phone?  I think it's obvious enough when a person explains a story when they're on the phone without using their hand as a prop.  Maybe there was a person who didn't understand the concept of a person being on the phone and needed clarification.

-"So I was on the phone and..."
~"Wait. What do you mean you were on the phone?"
-"On the telephone.  You know like this (hand gesture of phone)."
~"Oh....now I get it.  Using your hand as a phone really helped and I think it is essential to the story."

• Ba-dum-chi

I understand that a person cannot be funny at all times, but if in fact a statement is genuinely funny I don't think a "ba-dum-chi" must follow it.  The only sound acceptable to validate if something is humorous is laughter.  Even if the laugh isn't very pleasant at least you can tell if it's authentic.  Well, that is of course if you have a trusty fake laugh detector like I do.  It really comes in handy when you're trying to determine if someone is a bitch.  For me it works like this:  If I think you're giving me pity laughs, then I think you're a bitch.  It's as easy as that.  This seems a bit extreme, but I can't help how I feel.   Oh, and I'm completely joking.  I'll take any laughs even if they're for charity.  I think the only things that proceed "ba-dum-chi" are in fact not supposed to be funny at all.  Almost like a person is joking that the statement is funny.  It's one of those confusing double negative or positive things.  A common example would include anything that starts with "your mom."

E.g.   "Man, this sucks."
        "Your mom sucks. Ba-dum-chi haha"

You see.  Not funny at all.  And now if you were the person that said this, you look like a complete asshole.

You could also use the "ba-dum-chi" out of spite.  Just say something with complete sarcasm and then end it with the short drum riff.

E.g. 

• I really like your haircut...
• Your drawing is really beautiful...
• You cooked this?  It's delicious...
• This is the best present ever...

                                                                        ....Ba-dum-chi.

 It's a little below the belt if you ask me.


40.  When reruns don't play in order

I get that not all reruns can play in consecutive all of the time, but the least the network could do is play them in order if they are showing them back to back.  The only station that I know who does this is Lifetime: the network for women.  How do I know this? Because on occasion I rewatch old Grey's Anatomy episodes....it's not a crime you know.  Anyway, this isn't a very crucial

OK You should all know the drill now.  Let's continue to be best friends and click --> HERE <--